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“Working with Eric was a pleasure. We developed a good rapport and established a level of honesty and trust. I valued his counsel and recommendations. I find Eric to be very competent in a variety of disciplines. He is able to correctly diagnose organizational problems and suggest solutions that are on point. I found Eric to be a professional with the highest levels of honesty, integrity, and ethical behavior. I would not hesitate to engage his services again in the future.”

Kathy Lueckert,
former Corporate Services Director,
Department of Planning and Development,
City of Seattle
(Kathy is now Director of Planning and Finance for Advocacy and Communications at World Vision.)

“I've worked closely with Eric on developing and presenting the Leadership Eastside community leadership program. He has that rare blend of extensive real-world experience along with a very strong background in theory and research. He moves easily between big picture strategy and the tactical details. Eric brings a superb ability to plan, execute and follow-through, both as a behind-the-scenes planner and as an upfront instructor and facilitator.”

Annalee Luhman,
founding board member,
Leadership Eastside

 

Conflict and change: The blog

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19 June 2008

Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?

You may be plagued by a person whose actions utterly perturb or confound you. This may be someone you have much in common with—shared interests, mutual goals, and a lot of reasons to work together. It would be so great if the two of you were able to work together in harmony.

And, yet, they seem to disrespect you, dismiss your ideas, and even attack you. And, frankly, you've had enough. Am I right?

You may be starting to think of this person as a scoundrel, as someone who hates your guts or, maybe just as worse, someone who doesn’t give you or your guts a moment's thought. You may characterize this person in all sorts of unflattering ways: as a jerk, bully, loose cannon, villain, or enemy-certainly not someone to be trusted.

And, yet, despite their seemingly inexplicable and unfriendly behavior, there may be another reason why they are behaving this way. They may be intending to come across entirely differently. They may actually be good people. I know that’s hard to believe, but it is possible, no?

So, ask yourself: Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this? Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person shut me down in a meeting? Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person work counter to their own interests? Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person make a big decision about my job without consulting me?

There probably are other explanations for their behavior—explanations that haven’t occurred to you. By asking yourself Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?, you pull yourself out of a rut, open up to new ways of thinking, and even start to feel some release from stress. Your head starts to clear out, you’re thinking better, and getting more curious about the other person’s reason for behaving this way.

Now you’re getting ready to go talk to the other person, to explore their intentions and even to describe how you interpreted their behavior. I can’t promise that the conversation you’re about to have will be a cakewalk, but entertaining that question Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this? will make it easier for you to get to the truth and repair the relationship.