“Working with Eric was a pleasure. We developed a good rapport and established a level of honesty and trust. I valued his counsel and recommendations. I find Eric to be very competent in a variety of disciplines. He is able to correctly diagnose organizational problems and suggest solutions that are on point. I found Eric to be a professional with the highest levels of honesty, integrity, and ethical behavior. I would not hesitate to engage his services again in the future.”
Kathy Lueckert,
former Corporate Services Director,
Department of Planning and Development,
City of Seattle
(Kathy is now Director of Planning and Finance for Advocacy and Communications at World Vision.)
“I've worked closely with Eric on developing and presenting the Leadership Eastside community leadership program. He has that rare blend of extensive real-world experience along with a very strong background in theory and research. He moves easily between big picture strategy and the tactical details. Eric brings a superb ability to plan, execute and follow-through, both as a behind-the-scenes planner and as an upfront instructor and facilitator.”
Annalee Luhman,
founding board member,
Leadership Eastside
Conflict and change: The blog
21 April 2009
What do they really want?
Suppose you are working with someone, negotiating with them to get something you want and they want. Perhaps you are trying to agree on how to set up a new, joint project. Or, you are simply trying to get their input on a decision you get to make.
And, yet, you’re coming up with nothing. Their concerns are all over the map, and when you try to drill down to understand, they get really general and vague.
It may be time to pull back from the substance of the process, the actual facts and details of the deal or decision.
And, consider the possibility that they have underlying needs that are not being met. They don’t want to reveal these needs because they might “lose face.” Or, they might not even understand their own needs in that moment.
But, how do you figure out their needs when they aren’t forthcoming? The answer: You guess. You try to figure out what they really want by making your best guess and seeing what happens. Essentially, trial and error.
OK, but where to start? Here is a list of a few very common needs people have. In most situations, you’ll find that one or more of these needs (or a version of them) is behind their confusing behavior.
1. Influence over others: Being able to have an impact on others
2. Involvement/belonging: Being a significant part of the group or project
3. Fairness/justice: Being treated fairly and seeing others treated that way
4. Safety: Feeling safe from attack and able to speak freely
5. Freedom/autonomy: Having control over what they do and getting to make their own decisions
6. Purpose/meaning: Being connected to a larger purpose, goal or vision, to see their actions as having greater significance
7. Recognition/respect: Being treated with respect by others and recognized for what they contribution
There are many ways you can address these needs in a given situation, but the first step is to understand some underlying need is not being met. Second, guess at what it is and try something to address it. Ask for an opinion. See if they are feeling “dissed.” Providing them with some choice or control.
Figure that out and then you’ll find that you and they can get back to the substance of the conversation.
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