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“Working with Eric was a pleasure. We developed a good rapport and established a level of honesty and trust. I valued his counsel and recommendations. I find Eric to be very competent in a variety of disciplines. He is able to correctly diagnose organizational problems and suggest solutions that are on point. I found Eric to be a professional with the highest levels of honesty, integrity, and ethical behavior. I would not hesitate to engage his services again in the future.”

Kathy Lueckert,
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Department of Planning and Development,
City of Seattle
(Kathy is now Director of Planning and Finance for Advocacy and Communications at World Vision.)

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founding board member,
Leadership Eastside

 

Conflict and change: The blog

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1 July 2008

Retribution

At some point in your work life, you've probably felt a desire to "get someone back," to cause them pain for something they did to you. And, you may have had the experience of acting on that desire and finding yourself in a downward spiral of conflict with other person, each of you trying to outdo the other in payback.

There is a milder form that happens whenever management tries to change something (even something that might benefit employees). It is a form of resistance that results from people's unresolved anger at how they were treated last time management did something (whether it's last week or last year). Folks in this place often engage in subtle forms of resistance, like gossip, sniping or slacking off. Sometimes, they turn on their co-workers, creating a kind of Hobbesian environment of "everyone for themselves."

I often find it useful to looks around for this anger and see if it's still guiding (or controlling) people's behaviors. It can often explain a lot of underlying dynamics, especially in situations with a history of adversarial conflict (like labor-management relations).

This resistant and sometimes nasty behavior is driven by a desire for retributive justice. They want to set things straight by inflicting the same amount of pain they themselves experienced.

While the desire for retribution is understandable, it's not an impulse you should act on. It almost never makes things better and usually makes them worse—much worse. Exacting revenge always further degrades the relationship. So, what can you do?

If you believe that others have a historical grievance with you, then seek them out and listen fully to their complaint. Allow plenty of time. Paraphrase and make sure they see that you hear them. Then, sincerely apologize if you screwed up. If, on the other hand, they misinterpreted your intention, clarify (1) what you intention was not and (2) what you intention was.

If you feel aggrieved, then look for an opportunity to ask about the other person's intention. Tell them what you heard and how you interpreted their intention. Then ask what they're intention was. As above, be ready to listen, paraphrase, and ask questions. If you have trouble accepting their explanation, consider telling them that; it does no good to listen well to them if you don't tell them what's on your mind. Otherwise, you'll leave still angry.

In most cases, these steps will siphon off the desire for retribution and keep you both of ending up in that downward spiral. And, then, you both can get back to the task at hand.